Breathe for me
by Pomodoro-bastardo
Summary: Is life worth living if the one person you need...the one you've been living for...forgets you? Cutting and angst. Human names used. M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

Yay 1st FF fic! Uhm...so I'm writing a americest first (gasp) idk what's wrong with me~ Anyway, it's all thanks to my America for uploading this here. (muchas gracias mi amigo~) And uh, so yes, Matthew's gonna get hurt...don't hit me please? Reviews are always appreciated!

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><p><strong>Breathe for me<strong>

I woke slowly, the sting from the night before gnawing away at what was let of my nerves. My eyes felt heavy from crying; that same dream again. I scanned the room carefully. Though I had woken in the same room I had for years, I felt disoriented. I swung my legs over my bed causing the mp3 player to fall from my chest to the wood below. It echoed out a horrid cracking sound and the breaths I had managed to convince my lungs to take escaped all at once.

Silence.

Cold.

Rain I hadn't noticed plitting on the window.

And my heart's overreaction.

I stooped down to pick the silver object and realized it had an offending, jagged line running across the screen. I tossed it to land near the end of my bed with disgust, more for the tears that threatened to fall than anything else.

Insticts yanked me out of my bed and to the right top drawer of my dresser. Through another exhausting breath, I held the razor against my flesh.

When did I open the drawer?

Who tore the bandages from my wrists?

And where did these crimson dew drops come from?

Why couldnt I feel it?

Only the cold prickling of life running down my fingertips and crashing to the hard-wood silently.

It was sickening.

It was beautiful.

It was confusing.

It was the closest I'd ever felt to home.

It was me.

Was it? I pulled on my sleeve until it agreed to cover the dangerous color that ran down my thin, pale wrist. I hugged it to my favorite red and white hoodie, unintentionally tarnishing the clothing. A few steps to cross the room and find myself gripping the handle of the adjacent bathroom. I slipped inside and closed the door gently.

Two steps.

One more breath.

Look.

I struggled to focus in on the figure before me:

Dirty blonde hair.

Pale, weak skin.

Eyes glazed over with tears.

Too, thin.

And barely convincing the world of their existence.

Who are you? I couldn't even remember anymore, and maybe that was better.

My head throbbed painfully, as I felt myself getting weaker and bitterly wondered how that was possible. I opened the medicine cabinet routinely, obstructing my reflection from staring holes in me. The roll of white gauze sneered at me from the shelf, _'You need me, isn't that just so sad?'_ I gulped, now ashamed to stop the bleeding, "Yes..." It continued to mock me as my shaking fingers tightly wrapped it around the new incision. The blood seeped, slowly discoloring the fresh bandage before finally stopping. A heavy, painful sigh escaped my throat and I dropped my knees down to the tile.

Thousands of voices screeched in my ears.

Hundreds of whispers proved my emptiness.

Dozens of scars to cry when my eyes couldn't.

Five minutes to compose myself and push the pain behind a practiced smile.

But this was normal, this was me... Wasn't it? Even I had forgotten who I was.

A knock against the door jolted me from my thoughts. "Hey, you in there?" I breathed, smiling so I could answer my brother with a convincing voice, "Yeah, I'll be out in a few minutes." I could hear a shift from the other side. "Kay, but I'm not waiting for you." I frowned. Wait for me? I wouldn't expect that even if he did mean it. Shuffling footsteps disapted as Alfred headed down the stairs.

Breathing was suddenly hard again. I heaved myself up and left the bathroom to change quickly, running a brush through the imperfect waves in my hair and gathering my books and folders into my backpack. My gaze blankly questioned the object that owned me, decided whether I would continue this existence. _'You need this.'_ it told me. I wearily agreed and carefully placed the blade in my backpack as well.

Three minutes of my brother's attention.

Thirty minutes of Al driving us to school.

Eight hours of being invisible.

Sixteen hours until it happened again.

How much longer this empty life would continue?

Pending...

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><p>yes it's lame...but there's more?<p>

(A): It's not lame, it's adorable. Don't worry peoples who read this, I'm going to make sure more is written~ But reviews make that a little easier. ;) Oh and by the by, this lil "(A)" stands for America. And awesome. And sexy. But either way, I'm looking foreward to the rest of this very much. Ciao mother fuckers~


	2. Chapter 2

Hola~ Okay so here's the second chapter. A little more is going on I think but nothing 'm rated' yet... (sorry ( ´ー｀) ) But! It's coming soon so yay?

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><p>The door felt heavy. As heavy as my body. I released a sigh, but quiet enough for it to escape the ears of my enthusiastic brother. What was he going on about? 'Of course,' I smiled, 'food.' How he kept so thin despite eating more than any normal human could surpassed me.<p>

I listened as he shuffled about in the kitchen, knowing he wouldn't have much luck due to that insatiable appetite he had. Of course, his sad lack of culinary skills would only hinder him further. It really wasn't his fault...it was sort of a learned behavior.

"Ow! Ahh, Mattie? I can't open the microwave..." he poked his head around the corner seeing I hadn't moved from the door since we'd gotten back. Suddenly, I felt extremely small within the confines of his questioning cerulean eyes. "Uhm, why don't you let me make you something Alfred." This was a statement more than an option when it came right down to it. And he agreed of course. It was routine for me to cook for him; I enjoyed being able to do something for my brother. Something he needed... that was the one thing I still strove for.

He smiled, almost toward me, before escaping to the livingroom and seating himself on the couch. I could hear him turning his beloved Xbox on.

I didn't mind.

This was normal.

This was him.

This was me.

Right? Lately that question was becoming harder and harder to answer...

After placing a plate of food on the coffee table near the proud, red couch and recieving a distracted 'Thanks Mattie', I let myself slip...just for once.

His messy dirty blonde hair.

Those child-like, blue eyes.

His smile.

The way he moved.

Everything about him: perfect.

How had I kept myself from staring and taking in his beauty like this? I wanted him. It was wrong, I should have been disgusted by my own thoughts, but my heart had long since silently given itself to him.

Even if he never saw me.

Even if I was nothing to him.

If he never spoke a word to me.

I'd still love him, love him until it hurt. But... I suppose I was already there.

I shifted a bit, turning my attention to his somehow untouched plate then to what he was focusing on. Bloody graphics and shrieks of terror became evident as images of homicide flickered and reflected in my eyes. 'A new game?' It suddenly clicked. Oh...the only thing more important than food, to Alfred at least.

I sighed quietly and leaned on the wall, content on watching him click away at the buttons, face focused between childish insults. Moments like these...they were nice and I tried my hardest to store them away as cherished memories. Still, they never lasted.

A slam echoed through the house and I jumped out of surprise. Alfred, on the other hand, didn't bat an eye at the annoyed scream coming from the front of the house. "Alfred! Where are you?" I nervously considered greeting our guest before said person stomped their way into the livingroom stopping directly in front of the flat screen.

Hands gripping their own hips.

Chest heaving from both anger and the sprint to this spot.

Golden blonde hair flecked about.

Piercing, furious, green eyes.

Alfred must have gotten himself into trouble...again.

Al strained his neck to see around the distraction blocking his precious game, his expression becoming more exasperated. "Hey! Moooove!" he whined as he leaned a bit more towards his left. "Like bloody hell I'm going to!" Arthur hissed swiftly smacking the power button on the console before turning back to my poor, shocked brother, "Where is your cellular?" Alfred gaped and the air suddenly became tense. "Dude! The hell was that!" "Answer me! Where is it? Hmm? Because I've been calling you all day and I haven't heard anything but your god damn answering machine!" "Cool it, would you? I don't have to answer all your prissy calls." Alfred tossed his controller onto the cushion beside him, defeated.

I bit my lip harshly, holding back the urge to cry. Just seeing his face like that hurt! "A-Arthur?" I managed to choke out. The brit turned his head my way and stopped poking Alfred's chest for the time being. "Oh, hello Matthew..." He sounded a bit more than upset about my interruption, but the fighting did stop. I felt my breath getting shallow as he sat himself more upright, still leaning over Alfred, knees between his legs. I swallowed as my throat became dry.

He wasn't supposed to be so close to him.

He wasn't supposed to be the one gripping Alfred's shirt.

He wasn't supposed to steal my brother from me like that,

Ever!

"Uhm, Arthur..." I pushed my selfish thoughts aside and rubbed my wrist though my sleeve, the stinging scars consoling me to continue, "I uh, today I borrowed Alfred's phone. But I must have left it in my backpack, I'm sure he would have answered if it wasn't for me..." Was the air getting thinner? "Borrowed it?" He looked unconvinced. "Yes...I'm sorry." I resorted to gripping my wrist tightly in fear I might tear it open.

With a growl, he shot an ominous glare right into Alfred's eyes. "Wow Al, how much did you pay your brother to lie for you?" His accusing finger now jabbed at Alfred's forehead. "Ow, I didn't pay him! It's the truth, now get off!" He shoved at Arthur's torso, trying to push it away. "Liar. When are you going to grow up and take responsibility idiot?" "I'm not an idiot! Get off me you tea-sucker!"

Arthur's jaded eyes sharpened as he took a fistful of my brother's shirt in his hand and smiled wickedly. "What. Was. That?" The situation had become less than friendly and it didn't look like it would end well. "Uh, wait I..." Alfred spoke over my words, "You heard me!" No. This was not good. "Alfred, Arthur! Please stop-" "Shut it Matthew." Alfred snapped not even looking my way.

It hurt...

Chest panging from my faltering heart.

Fingers aching from clutching my arm.

Skin bruising beneath them.

Eyes burning under tears that fell on their own.

I couldn't move, couldn't breathe.

Alfred continued bickering with Arthur but the words sounded out of range now. I felt the empty crushing feeling inside and out as I became nothing.

Unimportant.

Unwanted.

Useless.

Invisible.

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><p>Aw sorry Mattie... And sorry for people who's brains fell asleep reading this... Fusososo~<p>

Silly America, we all know sexy starts with an s~

(A): S's are for queers. :( So is brain falling asleep...-ing. But seriously enough, I like this a lot. Reviews please? You can't see it but I'm totally making puppy eyes at you trough the computer screen. Don't deny the eyes!Ciao mother fuckers~


	3. Chapter 3

Uhm, so here's the next chapter...it's still depressing but hey, this is a depressing fic. But uh...I don't know. Please read and review~!

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><p>I slammed the door hard against it's own frame. I didn't matter, no one would hear me anyway. Tears stung my eyes and breathing was forced to contort to weak sobs. "Why am I like this?" I stared at the tears plitting on the wood below, each plit sounded more and more like syllables every time. They whispered; answering, <em>"Who...who?...Who are...you?" <em>"I d-don't know!" I cluched my jacket to my chest, bracing my shaking body against the door. 'Stop Matthew...' I told myself, 'before you can't, stop.'

_"Fail...fail...ure..." _I wiped the rest of the tears from eyes, quieting their voices. But the more I tried, the more I found new ones pooling up, blurring my vision, and making it harder for my shaking knees to hold up the worthlessness weighing me down.

'Drowned...d-drowned it out... I have to drowned it out now!' I tripped and stumbled, just shy of reaching my bed before falling to my knees. My fingers wrapped themselves to burry my fists into the red sheets and I pushed my forehead to the mattress I kneeled beside. The tears fell steadily but their words were stiffled by the cold, thick fabric. My bedspread, however, could not save me from the whispers hissing in my mind.

_"You're not wanted, Matthew."_

_"He doesn't love you, Matthew."_

_"It's not worth it,"_

_"You're not worth it, Matthew."_

_"Matthew."_

_"Matthew."_

_"Matthew!"_

"Stop it...stop!" I pushed my face further into the sheet and covered my ears, trying to silence the painful sounds. My mind became fuzzy, I couldn't remember what it was that was hurting so much, but that didn't keep it from stinging my every thought.

"Matthew?" This voice was clearer, "Hey... are you okay?" A hesitant hand touched my shoulder and I spun around, quickly slapping it away.

"A-Alfred..?" I blinked. But he was really there, standing over me with a concerned look, his eyes shifting over my face as he searched for answers. I couldn't help but notice all of the voices were suddenly silent with him standing there...looking at me...

I felt my face heating up as I realized his eyes had become locked onto mine at some point. He kneeled down beside me. "Mattie..." Say something, say something to him! I just couldn't get my throat to form words. "I...I'm sorry Mattie. I didn't mean to, uh..." My heart pounded in my ears and I wish it didn't; I wanted to hear the words he was saying.

Saying to me.

I breathed carefully. "It's okay. Uhm, is Arthur..." I looked toward the open door of my bedroom, half expecting to see the fiesty Brit there, but I didn't. "He left...ha ha..." Alfred looked toward the doorway as if he was thinking the same and rubbed his cheek. My eyes widened a bit, noticing the purpling spot he touched on his face.

I reached up and kissed his cheek gently, "Did he hit you?" I froze. 'W-what...' "Ah, sorry!" I pulled away from him fearing I had crossed the line and mentally kicking myself for being so, so stupid! I hid my flushed face as much as I could in my hands, feeling the familiar, salty droplets staining my fingers. Now he would hate me, he would be disgusted by my rude actions and he'd want nothing more than to forget me for good. I knew this, so I feared it more.

"S-stupid..." "Matthew?" his voice was steady, unlike mine, "You aren't stupid. Who told you that?" I gulped. "I-I...sorry. I hadn't meant to say that out loud." keeping my face safely hidden in my hands I continued, "I'm okay now...you can, you can leave." Why did I say lies that painful? Why did I push him away?

The one person I wanted.

The one person I wouldn't be able to make it without.

The one person I needed.

The only one I loved.

His hands took hold of my own as he looked down into my tear-hazed eyes, the weak lavender no doubt reflecting his deep and bright blue eyes as he did. "You aren't okay. Look! There's a whole lot tears all over your face!" I laughed a bit as he made a childish but genuinely concerned face. "Sorry...I-" "Don't be sorry, let me help you..." His voice became hushed as he leaned his face closer to mine.

He breathed over my lips, tauntingly. "You're sad Mattie, I can tell." My body shivered at this and my eyelids felt heavy. "You look so lonely; don't you know I'm right here?" He wrapped his arms around my shoulders and through the shock I was somehow still aware of the sensation it brought.

Warm.

Tender,

Yet so strong.

I couldn't speak, only relish in the attention he was giving me, unable to recall how long it had been since we had been so close. He pushed back then smiled quickly before resting his head against mine. "Let me save you?" His pressed his lips against mine irresponsibly. A burning blush washed over my pale face as Alfred's warmth seemed to pour into my body. My own warmth was suddenly found and i pressed back into his mouth eagerly. His tounge flicked over my bottom lip which I welcomed easily giving him access to the inner recesses if my mouth. 'Where is this courage coming from?' But my questioning thoughts were pushed aside as he began to explore my mouth, locking our lips together hungrily.

He pulled back with out warning, a light blush coloring his face. "O-okay..." I responded breathily when he rubbed his thumb over my reddened and swollen lips.

I wanted this...

Didn't I?

...of...of course I did.

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><p>Waaaa~ up next? M rated chapter! ...review?<p>

(A): Om nom nom Im eating his face~ I feel like a zombie! Wait they eat brains... Maybe I'm an alien zombie! An alien zombie bent on devouring the faces of submissive teenaged boys! Or hes just rapeable as fuck... Either way, review or I'll eat your faces too! Ciao mother fuckers~


	4. Chapter 4

There is no author note... Just read the lameness please?

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><p>I couldn't remember at the moment just how I'd gotten here, how I had found myself in such a perfect dream. One that would probably end in a nightmare, I knew, but it somehow made me want it all the more. More of the oncoming pleasure and more of the oncoming pain. I craved it all over. He breathed a heavy breath over the very exposed and cold skin that wrapped my torso causing my lungs to offer up a hushed moan. He trailed his lips down my chest leaving hot marks and claiming me as his.<p>

I wanted to be his.

Now.

Always.

Forever!

He wouldn't ignore me, not if I was his.

I squeezed my eyes shut trying to control my desire as he whispered into the crook of my neck, "Mattie..." More, I wanted more. "Y-yes?" He sighed heavily sending warnings to scream through my head. What did I do wrong? Is he upset? "Alfred..?" "Matt." he called out. I opened my eyes to see his body hovering over mine, his warmth so close to my skin like a fire that tauntingly lapped at my body and his fixed, blue eyes locked intently on my face. My spine shivered at his strange and serious expression; I had never seen him like this. "Are you sure you want this?"

For a moment, I had to consider the question but it seemed like a such a trivial one. If Alfred wanted this, then I would give it to him. Of course I would give it to him! "I'm s-sure..." I almost whispered, afraid of saying the wrong words as my lips had started to tremble. He smiled and went back to kiss my neck tenderly. "Okay then..." His tounge flicked out over my pulse and sent my veins screaming.

Bite it.

Tear it.

Make me bleed for you.

"P-please!" The word slipped out before I could stop it. Embarrassed, I bit the side of my hand harshly to discourage any other outbursts. I felt his lips turning up into a smile and he ran them up my chin playfully before removing my hand from my teeth and kissing the corner of my mouth. "Please what?" I swallowed, trying to form words on my lips. "U-uhm...I..." Closing my eyes was all I could do as my mind finally gave up on making coherent sentences.

But Alfred's uncomfortable shifting made me open them again. I felt fear rushing over me like an angry tide on the rocks as he took my arm in his roughening grip and raised it to his face. 'No...' He looked at my bandaged wrist blankly and for once I couldn't read his expression. 'No...wait-' "What's this?" I could feel my heart in my throat and I was afraid I might choke on it so I stayed quiet. This didn't help his strange behavior any further and his eyes became narrow as he glared at my trembling wrist. Then he started tearing the protection from my skin and ripped the bandages exposing burning, deep, red marks embeded all over, occasionally overlapping.

No...

Please don't look,

It's so ugly...

Don't look...

Don't!

"P-please stop!" I covered my shameful, tear-drenched face with my other hand as I tried in vain to free my arm from him. "...Why? Why would you do this?" I stopped struggling, his voice still so influential to me, and looked away.

Why?

"I-I..."

Becaue I need to.

"I don't...I m-mean..."

Because they tell me to.

"It's just..."

Because it helps me continue when you forget me!

"...I d-don't know."

The tears clouding my vision kept me from fully seeing his reaction. Angrer, disbelief, confusion, and maybe even a bit hurt as he pressed his lips very, very gently to my skin. I was confused as well; what was he doing? He wasn't going to leave in disgust, instead he kissed me? More feathered kisses were placed thoughtfully on each scar and cut. It hurt, stung bitterly, but I let him do it anyway and kept very still and silent as he did. I knew he was trying to help...I didn't know why... But still, the thought was comforting.

Suddenly, he glared sharply at me and breathed out slowly. It startled me and my chest jumped. "I won't let this happen again." I lay under his acusing gaze for a while before finding the words I thought he would want to hear. "Okay... I'm sorry, it won't happen again..."

That bright smile returned to his face and I could see his pride in 'saving' someone from something. And though I knew it was based on thin lies, I couldn't help but smile a bit as well.

'You'll never understand, but that's okay.'

Alfred's teasing and wetted fingers left my lips with an embarrassing 'pop' sound. He continued his harsh tempting and ran the slick digits down my neck, chest, stopping to rub one of my hard nipples quickly before continuing. Moans and pants elicited from my lungs though I scorned every one. His touch ran down my arching torso and reached around behind me before I was ready.

Taking an instant tight hold of Alfred's shoulders, I bent my body, the panic spreading. "It's alright...I'll go slow." I forced a few short nods and bit my lower lip. I felt his finger against me and his slight hesitation almost made my well guarded tears fall. But before I could cry, he pressed into my depths with a fair amount of force. "A-ahh...!"

His eyes shown bright, almost glowing in the dim light as he looked on, lust burning and my eyes ever and always reflecting. "Your so tight..." "It's ah-alright..." I lied evenly as he took my invitation to press another finger in and scissor them. The virgin flesh screamed ungodly whails through my viens in a pain so devine. My moans offered up for him hummed throughout the room and his eyes told me he wanted more.

"I-I'm ready." I huffed into the wrist propping himself up near the side of my head. He paused his movements uncertainly. "Are you sure...you're still so tight." I considered the thought before pushing it away. "I-I need you Alfred..." He smiled at me, pleased and it sent my heart throbbing.

A kiss,

My nervous hands,

The feeling of his lips all over,

My legs over his shoulders,

Promises,

And the sweet rush of secret torture.

The tone broke in my throat as he entered my body. 'Hot...so hot...' His hands rubbed my ribs as he started a slow careful grind. "How's it feel?" My vision failed as the room spun. "G-g-good...so good! Ahhhhl- faster...please!" He, as naive as I (if not more), didn't question and easily did so.

I watched his face carefully through heavy lids all the while judging what my moans and whispers did for him. "A-ahhh!" He seemed to fear that one for being pain. "Ooooh..." This made him want to touch me more. But the long-drawn plea of his name was the most sensual, making him moan back and thrust his heat deeper.

The toxins curtly formed by pain and pleasure engulfed me, poisoned me. My hips pressed back into Alfred's in a last-ditch effort to be satisfied. "S-So close...AL!"

His moans

My screams

The dizzying height of ecstasy

His haughty touching that I could barely comprehend.

After, my mind slowed and went into a fog. Deft memories of pleasing him for a third time are the most of what I understood before I found myself sweaty and dirty, wrapped in his arms.

"Are you...tired?" He whispered into my hair whilst twirling my stubborn cowlicked strand idilly. I focused a bit at his own worn expression and figured it was fit to truthfully answer, "Yes..." He smiled a bit and softly kissed my head as I allowed sleep to come, one last plea leaving my fading voice.

"Don't...forget..."

"I can't."

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><p>Sleep, yes sleep little Matthew... ... Well that sounded weird. Oh well~ Review?<p>

(A): La di da~ Almost done, yeah? It's not lameness, it's awesome. I wish I could write so good~ Either way, you bitches best review. I don't have a threat this time but I do have an awesome sandwich and if you want some, you have to review! Ciao motherfuckers~


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